Did Kindness Scale with a Gaze?
The night they both looked up…
There’s a quiet scene in the 1982 Steven Spielberg movie E.T. The Extra Terrestrial- where Elliott and E.T. are lying on their backs in the backyard, staring up at the sky. E.T. doesn’t know English yet. Elliott isn’t trying to explain anything. They’re just... looking.
At first, E.T. glances around, unsure. Then Elliott points. E.T. follows his gaze. A pause. A breath, and then something changes. E.T. sees what Elliott sees. The stars. The vastness. The possibility.
In that moment, they’re no longer alien and child. They don’t look at each other.
They look with each other.
This isn’t just a moment of emotional bonding. It’s something deeper. Scientists call this the Cooperative Eye Hypothesis: the idea that humans evolved eyes with visible whites so others could easily follow our gaze. It allowed us to align attention, share goals, and act together.
Why our eyes are built for kindness?
Unlike most other primates, humans have prominently visible white sclera- the whites of our eyes. This unique eye morphology makes it easy to track where someone else is looking, especially from a distance or in dim light.
This gave rise to the Cooperative Eye Hypothesis (Tomasello et al. 2007), a theory that suggests our eyes didn’t just evolve for seeing but for helping others see what we see. By making gaze direction more obvious, our species became better at joint attention, coordinated action, and ultimately, cooperation.
Babies begin doing this at just a few months old. They follow our gaze, track our attention, and then, remarkably, look back at us as if to say, “Are we seeing this together?”
That shared loop- your eyes, their eyes- is how collaboration is born. And it’s the earliest seed of kindness as a team behaviour.
Gaze: the first social glue
Before there were words, contracts, or classrooms, there was gaze.
In early human groups, survival often depended on joint attention. A hunter spots movement; he doesn’t shout. He looks. The others follow his gaze. The moment becomes a shared decision, not just an individual reaction.
At night, bonfires pulled people together. Storytellers gestured, and others watched where they pointed. Gaze-following became teaching, trust, and coordination. Our capacity to “see with” one another wasn’t just emotional- it was evolutionary.
Shared attention became the first social glue in a world without wi-fi, scripts, and hooks.
Raising kids who see with others
If we want to raise kind kids who collaborate, not just “behave,” we need to return to one of our oldest tools: the eyes.
When kids follow your gaze, notice what others notice, and respond to what someone else is focused on, that’s not just curiosity. That’s cooperation training in real time.
Here are a few possible ways to nurture it:
1. Narrate gaze-based reinforcements
Notice and name it:
“I saw you look at her before you passed the ball- nice teamwork.”
“You and your friend both noticed he needed help. That’s seeing together.”
This tells kids that joint attention is social leadership.
2. Create tech-free zones for real-time attention
Screens train kids to focus inward, but shared gaze only happens when we’re facing real people. Designate times when face-to-face play is the default.
3. Model it yourself
Let your child catch you tracking their gaze:
“I saw you notice your friend was sad. What made you pause?”
Kindness isn’t just about feeling. It’s about noticing and responding together.
Kindness began when we looked together
We didn’t just evolve to connect. We evolved to notice things together- to see what someone else sees. To pause when another pauses. To follow a glance, not just a voice.
That’s where kindness begins, not in grand gestures but in shared attention. And in that shared attention, kindness becomes a team sport.
Raising ki(n)d isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
See you soon with the next issue of Raising Ki(n)d.
Gaurav G