Is That Harsh Voice Just a Survival Habit?

Midweek recommendation

In last Saturday’s post, we explored a moment every parent dreads- when your child messes up and whispers, “I’m not good enough.” That sharp, quiet cruelty directed inward? It doesn’t come from nowhere. We talked about the inner critic in the previous post.

Dr. Kristin Neff is an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and one of the world’s foremost researchers on self-compassion, having pioneered its scientific study in over two decades of peer-reviewed work. Dr. Neff offers a powerful answer in this one-minute video.

Why It’s Easier to Be Kind to Others Than Ourselves

Dr. Neff explains that when a child feels like they’ve failed, or even just fears they have, their brain often flips into threat-defence mode. That ancient caveman wiring doesn’t know the difference between a tiger in the bush…and a forgotten homework or a lost temper.

So the kids fight themselves and flee into shame, or freeze and replay it over and over. The inner critic surfaces as a survival reflex. But we can help our kids hack this inner critic survival reflex system. Dr. Neff suggests this:

“What would you say to a friend in the same situation?”
Then say that to yourself.

This simple shift rewires the voice inside, from threat… to care and from fear… to growth.

Try this with your tween (ages 9–12):
After watching, ask:
“When you mess up, what does the voice in your head sound like?”
And then gently nudge:
“If your best friend made the same mistake, what would you say to them?”

Let that question open the door. Because maybe the most important friendship your child will ever learn…is the one they have with themselves.

At some point, the question shifts, and it’s no longer just: “Will they be mad at me?”
It becomes something quieter and deeper- “Do I like the version of me that just showed up?”

Next Saturday, we move into that space. Where kindness stops being about rules or rewards and starts becoming a mirror. A quiet inner compass that asks: Who am I when no one’s watching?

See you soon with the next issue of Raising Ki(n)d.

Gaurav G