What If They Laugh?
When kindness grows a spine
In the gentle but powerful film Stanley Ka Dabba, there's a scene where Stanley, a bright, imaginative boy, quietly faces humiliation at school over something as basic as food.
Stanley’s teacher singles him out, subtly but persistently. His friends notice, eyes downcast, shoulders tense, caught between loyalty and fear. They don't openly laugh, but they don't intervene either.
Moments like these happen quietly and regularly in schools everywhere- a dropped notebook kicked out of reach, a whispered joke at someone’s expense. Kids notice and feel the tension but often remain silent, caught between knowing what’s right and fearing social isolation.
In these moments, kindness isn't about politeness. It's about courage- choosing empathy even when it carries a personal cost.
Standing up to bullying
By age 14, bullying rarely looks like playground name-calling. It’s often cloaked in sarcasm or silence: a joke that singles someone out, a group chat that excludes, a laugh that lingers too long. These moments are not just social, they’re moral. And they ask something bigger of our children.
In an earlier post, we explored how tweens navigate kindness as a social expectation, fitting in, being liked, and avoiding disapproval. But as they grow older, a shift begins:
Kindness is no longer about fitting in. It’s about standing up.
The cost of kindness becomes clearer. Speaking up might mean being mocked; including someone might mean being excluded. And still, some kids begin to act- not because they’ll be praised, but because they’ve started to align with who they want to be.
That’s the real developmental leap: from kindness as performance to kindness as courage.
Is your teen an upstander?
Facing History & Ourselves, an educational nonprofit focused on moral development, has extensively studied what makes kids "upstanders"- those who intervene in the face of cruelty or injustice. Their research reveals an important truth:
Courage isn't spontaneous- it's rehearsed.
Kids who choose courage under pressure have often had prior conversations and role-played challenging scenarios at home. They’ve been asked openly, "What would you do if...?" This mental rehearsal prepares them, enabling them to respond thoughtfully rather than instinctively freeze.
In other words, courage grows from repeated practice. It is built before the moment demands it.
From camps to cafeterias
Our human ancestors survived because they cooperated closely within small groups, deeply dependent on trust. We have discussed earlier how anthropologists like Robin Dunbar and Jonathan Haidt suggest that early human groups were highly attentive to how individuals treated each other, especially during vulnerable moments.
For the caveman, acts of kindness or cruelty weren’t forgotten. They became stories that defined group trust, bravery, and moral standing. Those stories shaped who was accepted, who was respected, and who was isolated.
Today, teenagers still unconsciously continue this practice, not around campfires, of course, but in school hallways, lunchrooms, and social media.
Quiet acts of courage or subtle cruelty shape their reputations and self-identities.
Parents’ nudge to make courageous choices
In this age group (13-15), your child doesn't need reminders to "be nice." They need practical guidance navigating the social risks of kindness:
Acknowledge fear and hesitation:
If your child confesses to freezing in difficult moments, first affirm their emotional honesty:
“It’s normal to feel stuck. Recognising that feeling means your empathy is strong. Next time, what could feel safer to say or do?”
Practice simple, courageous responses:
Encourage rehearsal of straightforward phrases that can be easily remembered in tense moments:
"That’s not okay."/ "Leave them alone."/ "Let's just stop."
Encourage moral reflection:
Pose questions that help your child internalise courage as part of their identity:
“What matters more- being popular, or feeling proud of yourself?”
These conversations with the parent help build emotional readiness and moral clarity, equipping your child before the next challenging moment arrives.
Kindness starts growing a spine
At 14, kindness is no longer about polite gestures or fitting in. It's about a choice deeply rooted in personal values, even if no one else makes it.
These quiet, brave choices become the moments our children remember most vividly, shaping how they understand themselves.
Real courage isn’t loud or heroic. It’s often a silent decision made in a crowded hallway. And that quiet courage can change everything.
Next week, we will focus on demonstrating kindness under pressure. It’s the moment your child isn’t just a bystander, but knows and cares about the person being excluded, mocked, or left out.
It’s about standing beside someone when it’s socially costly. It’s about being kind and standing their ground on it.
It’s about your 13- to 15-year-olds taking their first steps to make kindness their superpower.
Till next week
Gaurav G