Who Do You See When You Act Unkind?

When kindness moves from performance… to identity.

The movie Inside Out 2 continues with the arc of Riley, the protagonist, growing up. Riley, now thirteen, is away at hockey camp. She wants to belong, to impress the older and cooler girls.

So she makes a series of small choices- she distances herself from her old friends, laughs along when she doesn't want to, and sneaks into the coach’s office to read something she shouldn’t.

First time looking inward

These are not big choices…nothing explosive, just enough to stay out of trouble; yet still pull her away from herself. And then, when her friend gets hurt in a game, partly because Riley didn’t pass the puck, she panics. Her body freezes, and her just-teen mind spirals.

But what truly breaks her isn’t the coach’s reaction or a teammate’s glare.

It’s the look on her face- “What did I just become?”

We typically brush these moments with the broad stroke of guilt. But this is not guilt, given Riley’s age. This is something deeper. This is when kindness stops being a rule to follow… and becomes a mirror they hold up to themselves.

That’s the first flicker of moral identity.

The inner compass starts speaking

Developmental psychologists call this moment a kind of moral awakening- when kids shift from asking “Will I get in trouble?” to “Is this who I want to be?”

This isn’t just emotional growing pains. It’s backed by decades of research, especially by Self-Determination Theory (SDT), which shows that a child’s well-being is highest when three core needs are supported:

• Autonomy: acting from inner values, not just obedience

• Relatedness: feeling accepted without self-betrayal

• Competence: feeling capable without confusing achievement with worth

At the hockey camp in Inside Out 2, Riley’s inner conflict is a direct clash between these needs. She wants to belong (relatedness), but distances herself from friends and violates her values to do it (a loss of autonomy).

Her panic later isn’t just about social fallout. It’s the psychological pain of acting out of sync with her own moral compass.

When Riley whispers, “What did I just become?”, it’s not drama; It’s development.

It’s the first moment a child begins to feel the weight of living with themselves.

According to SDT, these moments of moral dissonance aren’t setbacks. They’re signs that your child is beginning to build a deeper form of kindness- one rooted not in rewards or reminders, but in identity.

Psychology gives us the framework, like SDT, but stories give us the echo. This turn inward isn’t new; it’s been whispered across generations.

The ancient mirror as inner compass

Across cultures, the stories told to children at this age shift. The hero no longer slays a dragon or wins a trophy. Instead, they face themselves.

In the Mahabharata, Arjuna’s true battle unfolds not in combat, but in conscience. On the field of Kurukshetra, he puts down his bow, torn between duty and identity, asking, “Who am I if I strike down those I love?”

In Greek mythology, Odysseus’s greatest trials are not with monsters, but with temptation, deceit, and restraint. His long road home is not just physical- it’s moral. Can he return not just as a man, but as someone worthy of the name?

This age, 11 to 13, isn’t about memorising values. It’s about beginning to build them slowly, privately, and painfully.

The discomfort of not yet knowing who you are- is not a flaw. It’s the fertile ground from which moral identity begins to take root.

It’s what Arjuna, Odysseus, and every child on the cusp of adolescence (tweens) must wrestle with: not a decision between right and wrong, but a decision between who they are and who they are becoming.

Parents- guardians of inner compass

At this age (11-13), your child might not look like the kind, gentle person you remember. They may become more sarcastic, more withdrawn, more concerned with being liked than being kind.

It can be tempting to correct or control- to steer them back into familiar behaviour. But what’s happening inside is far more important: they’re running early tests on who they are becoming. They’re learning to check in with themselves.

Our job isn’t to take over the compass- it’s to keep it from being buried.

1. Name the dissonance, gently

“You looked unsettled after that. Want to talk about it?”

Sometimes, they don’t need advice. Just a mirror.

2. Avoid quick moralising

Instead of “That was wrong,” try: “What didn’t sit right with you?”

This lets them take ownership.

3. Celebrate internal course correction

If your child says, “I shouldn’t have done that,” pause. Say: “It takes strength to notice that. That’s how you grow.”

Because in that moment, you’re not raising obedience- you’re raising self-leadership.

When kindness becomes character

In the end, kindness doesn’t need an audience. It needs a mirror. And the day your child begins asking:

“Do I like who I’m becoming?”

…is the day kindness stops being behaviour…and starts becoming identity. That’s a big win in our journey as parents raising kind kids.

Raising kind isn’t always easy. But it’s always worth it.

See you soon with the next issue of Raising Ki(n)d.

Gaurav G