Who Do I Want to Be, Really?

When kindness turns into a compass for life.

In the last two issues of Raising Ki(n)d, we explored something that doesn’t often get talked about: the moment when kindness stops feeling right on the inside.

We saw how tweens feel that internal tug- this doesn’t feel like me- and then we explored what happens when kindness becomes a performance, not a belief.

This week, we move from reflection to direction. If kindness isn’t just a reflex anymore, and it’s no longer about approval, what guides it now? This is the moment kids quietly begin to turn inward and ask:
“What kind of person do I want to be and what will steer me there?”

The real magic- being seen as you are

There’s a moment in the popular Disney movie Encanto about a magical family in Colombia. If you’ve seen it, you’ll remember Mirabel- the only one in the Madrigal family without a magical gift. The one who tries hardest to hold everyone together.

For much of the story, Mirabel goes out of her way to keep the family together. She patches cracks in the house, smooths over tension, and tries to prove she belongs. When the family’s magic begins to falter, she blames herself. If the miracle is breaking, she must be the flaw.

But then comes the scene by the river. Abuela, the family matriarch, finally sees her not for what she does, but for who she is. And Mirabel, for the first time, is asked to stop fixing and simply see herself.

Abuela recognises Mirabel’s value and love for the family, independent of any magical gift or accomplishment. It marks a turning point in her self-perception and the family’s healing. In the film’s closing song, the family sings to her:

“We see how bright you burn / We see how brave you’ve been / Now see yourself in turn…”

That moment marks the family’s recognition of Mirabel’s inner strength and worth, even though she does not have a magical gift; when she’s asked to reflect- Do you see yourself in what you’ve done?

That’s the same question so many kids begin to ask quietly at this age (11-13). Kindness, once automatic, now becomes a mirror. A reflection and a choice.

The compass begins to align

So what’s really happening at this age when your child starts hesitating before helping, questioning group dynamics, or quietly pulling back from being “the good one”?

Developmental psychologists describe this as the beginning of moral identity formation. Kids won’t say it this way, but this is the moment when moral identity begins to form, not as a theory but as a loaded question- “Did that feel like me?”

This is where Self-Determination Theory (SDT) gives us language for what’s unfolding beneath the surface. When a child’s actions begin to reflect their own beliefs, not just obedience, it’s because three needs are clicking into place:

• Autonomy – I chose this

• Relatedness – It helps me belong without losing myself

• Competence – I can keep living this out, even when it’s hard

We had briefly touched upon SDT in an earlier post, as the moment your child shifts from doing kind things to wanting to be a kind person.

Research from developmental psychologist Melanie Killen adds a second layer. At this age (11-13), kids start distinguishing between social rules (like politeness or popularity) and moral principles (like fairness, honesty, or harm). And when those values conflict, most kids will choose the moral one, but only if they’ve had the guidance to name and believe in it.

But long before psychologists gave it a name, this ability to spot what matters and who matters was already part of how children learned to belong.

That which is heard

Across centuries of human evolution, children learn values by watching others; who was helped, who was trusted, and who was left out. Over time, this pattern recognition became moral intuition.

Evolutionary psychologist Michael Tomasello calls this our collaborative survival strategy; we learned morality because we needed each other to survive. In cultures like ancient India, this learning took on a deeper form.

In ancient India, children didn’t just mimic adults; they were immersed in a rich oral tradition known as shruti- that which is heard. Long before moral values were written down, they were passed from teacher to student, parent to child, through listening, repetition, and reflection.

But shruti wasn’t just about memorising verses. It was about absorbing questions that mattered: What is the right action? What does it mean to live with integrity? What do we owe each other? Through this process, children weren’t just learning behaviour. They were shaping identity.

Whether today or aeons back, one thing remains true: Kindness as moral identity isn’t something we give our children. It’s something they begin to choose quietly, inwardly, and over time.

What this means for parents

Kindness, if it’s to become identity, must feel like theirs, not just yours. Here’s how you can help them start naming what matters:

• Ask identity-based questions.
  Not “Why did you do that?” but “Did that feel like the kind of person you want to be?”
  This lets the kids test choices against internal values, not external rewards.

• Model your compass.
  Say it aloud when you recalibrate: “I almost snapped today, but I paused because I value respect even when I’m tired.” This makes values visible, not just virtuous.

At this age, your child doesn’t need a map drawn for them. They just need someone who sees their direction, even before they do, and walks beside them while they figure it out.

Your steadiness becomes the compass they borrow until they can trust their own.

Remember, raising kind isn’t always easy. But it’s always worth it.

See you soon with the next issue of Raising Ki(n)d.

Gaurav G